One banana goes, another rises, enabling our guru, Chika Onyeani, to
reflect on the "THE EXIT" of the next generation


Fifteen days ago, I have been counting because of what I missing  - my 29
years old son finally decided to leave his parents and move into the
house which has been awaiting him for almost seven years.  We had tried to entice his
older brother and his wife to move into the house as well left by their late
grandparents, as the house is big enough for all of them, and moreover to
Hackensack, seat of one of the richest counties in New Jersey.  But
he and his wife not only would not bite, but in fact decided to buy their own home, bigger than
their grandparents, and move 95 miles (about two hours drive) from the 10 miles
(15 minutes drive) from where they used to live from us.  You would say this
is progress, right?  Well, I would say it depends from what perspective.  Then
again, my first son has this penchant of reminding me of how I left my
parents at a very young age and was posted to Dublin, Ireland, by the Nigerian
government.  "And here you are, Dad, in America, how many miles from
your parents when they were alive?"

I am brooding over these exits of the children into their own lives because
this morning my wife reminded me that I forgot to take the old newspapers out
for the garbage collectors.  It suddenly dawned on me that it is not only the
newspapers that I forgot to take out, but the day before my wife had also
reminded me that she had to take out the real garbage herself.  Even
last night, while the two of us were watching the ll o'clock television news, I said to my
wife, "what is with these kids?"  "What do you mean," she asked.  "Well, they
don't call us anymore," I said.  "I don't know what you are talking about, the
children spent most of Saturday with us and then we traveled for three days,
and we spoke with them while we were away."  "Mmm," I said, clearly not
satisfied.

Thirty minutes later, the phone rings and it is our second son, who moved 15
days ago.  "About time you called, your father is complaining about you not
calling," said the Mom.  "But Mom, I spoke to you the other day."  "Anyway,
here's your Dad."  So, we talk and he lets me know how busy he is,
which reminded me of Jim Croce's song, "Cats In the Cradle."  Now, my children are too busy
with their own lives to have time for me.  I say to myself, it is just like
yesterday when I used to be too busy for them, traveling all the time, and
missing so many of their teenage events though I know that my wife
has always been there.  I always knew that this day would arrive, but I haven't prepared myself
sufficiently to sustain the blow.  It is the sense of powerlessness I feel,
especially when it turns out that you have become dependent on the children who
used to depend on you.

In this day of high-tech world, you feel so helpless that you are unable to
do so many things.  Here's the television with all kinds of gadgets, the tivos
and all the other things which are supposed to make life more pleasant, allow
you to record and watch what you didn't have time to watch before.  But what
good is it if you don't know how to access it?  "Hey, Nnanna (Abba), come and
put on this movie for me," "how do you download this photo or this document."
I go into the tv room these days with trepidation, I don't want to push any
wrong buttons on the control and suddenly there is blackness on the tv screen,
and deprive myself of watching the news channels which I am familiar with.  How
many times do I have to call my children on their cell phones and ask them
how to fix what I have just messed up.

It is just like yesterday when I used to put my son into the newly invented
'pouch' on my chest, take the stroller and my book bag and off he and I will go
to school.  I would leave him with my friends in the library and go to
classes and come back to retrieve him.  It was the good old days when
you didn't worry about somebody stealing your child.  Some times we took the bus, but most
times we walked -  Manhattan is such a great place to get around, you don't
think anything walking from West 80th Street to 60th Street where Fordham
University is located.  When I remind him about that, he makes an
incredulous face, thinking how an 6'1"-foot individual could have fitted in an pouch.  In the
apartment, all you worried about was taking out the garbage bag to the garbage
chute, you didn't worry about taking the garbage out to the sidewalk,
you didn't worry about cutting the grass and tending the whole yard especially when you
have almost an acre to tend, you didn't think about shoveling snow on a 175
yard drive way, and making sure your sidewalk is cleared of snow so that you
don't get sued if someone falls.  Exactly what started happening when
we moved to New Jersey.

When your son is 8 years old, he starts to take over these chores for you -
cut the grass, trim the bushes, shovel the snow, take out the garbage, fix the
broken lights, run/drive to the supermarket and get a few things that your
wife had forgotten to get, wash the dishes, and some times even cook which my
wife had insisted on teaching my two male children.  "They have to be
able to take care of themselves," she had told me when I objected.  "Remember what
happened to you when you started living by yourself, you almost died
of hunger."

As I look at this exit of my children into their own lives, I say to myself
what a cycle life is, particularly why we have to have time for our children so
that they could have time for us when we need them.  I am beginning to learn
all the things I have forgotten how to do because my children had taken over
doing them, but luckily you have professionals with pay who can now do those
things as well.  The exit could be traumatic even though you know that they are
just a phone call away, and that they visit you all the time.  So I listen to
Jim Croce's "Cats In The Cradle," console myself and say how true, how rather
true!!

Cats In The Cradle - Jim Croce

A child arrived just the other day,
came to the world in the usual way,
But there were planes to catch
and bills to pay, he learned to walk while I was away
He was talking before I knew it and as he grew
he said I'm going to be like you Dad,
you know I'm going to be like you.

And the cat's in the cradle, and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue, and the Man in the Moon,
When you coming home son, I don't know when
We'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then.

My son turned 10 just the other day,
Said thanks for the ball now c'mon let's play
Will you teach me to throw, I said not today,
I've got a lot to do, he said that's ok
And he walked away and he smiled and he said
You know I'm going to be like you, Dad,
you know I'm going to be like you.

And the cat's in the cradle, and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue, and the Man in the Moon,
When you coming home son, I don't know when
We'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then.

He came from college just the other day,
so much like a man I just had to say,
I'm proud of you, won't you sit for a while
He shook his head and said with a smile,
What I'm feeling like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later can I have them please.

And the cat's in the cradle, and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue, and the Man in the Moon,
When you coming home son, I don't know when
We'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then.

I've long since retired and my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I'd like to see you, if you don't mind
He said I'd love to Dad, if I could find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and the kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking you Dad, it's been real nice talking to you.
And as I hung up the phone it occured to me
He'd grown up just like me, my boy was just like me.

And the cat's in the cradle, and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue, and the Man in the Moon,
When you coming home son, I don't know when
We'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then.

And the cat's in the cradle, and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue, and the Man in the Moon,
When you coming home son, I don't know when
We'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then.